Chapter 3Fading Echoes: The Day I Left

When I got back inside, Julian was fast asleep on the couch.

I gently draped a blanket over him.

His phone lit up. Two unread messages.

They were from Mia.

"I got her home safe and sound! Don't worry, Boss!"

Followed by a cute sticker of a little girl winking and saying goodnight.

I knew I shouldn't be snooping, but I couldn't resist scrolling up to read their chat history.

"What did Boss Vance have for lunch today? A bento box she made for you?"

"Yeah."

"Ugh, so unfair. You should eat takeout with us single dogs sometimes, Boss."

"Maybe tomorrow."

The date was the day before yesterday. I remembered the next day Julian specifically told me I didn't need to wake up early to make him lunch.

When I asked why, he hugged me from behind, kissed my neck softly, and said he didn't want me to work so hard, giving me a "day off."

"Boss, when are you guys getting married?"

Attached was a sticker of a little girl wiping tears.

Unlike his previous instant replies, this time he took ten minutes to respond:

"I don't know."

He said he didn't know.

I put the phone down. I didn't scroll any further. There was no need.

There were no explicit messages. Just Julian replying to Mia as instantly as he did to me, with Mia referring to me simply as "she" in every sentence. But in the vibe of their conversation, it felt like I was the third wheel intruding on them.

I put his phone back, stood up, and placed my medical records and the pregnancy test in the bottom drawer of the study desk, right next to our joint savings passbook.

The wind had picked up outside. It had just rained a little, and the wind blew a damp, warm breeze into the room.

I closed the door and sat blankly at the desk.

Honestly, when I got the diagnosis, saying I wasn't afraid would be a lie.

I sat at the hospital entrance back then, watching the busy traffic, trying desperately to think for a very long time.

I wondered how I could say it casually. How I could break the news without making him too sad.

I planned to tell him with a smile.

Julian, I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?

If he wants the good news, I’ll tell him he’s going to be a dad.

If he wants the bad news, I’ll say I was just kidding about the dad part.

Then he would definitely flick my forehead, and then I’d tell him about the cancer.

He would definitely hug me tightly from behind like he did back then, telling me not to be afraid.

I’d comfort him back, tease him for being so nervous, and tell him I wasn't scared at all.

Or maybe I’d cry and tell him the truth.

Tell him I was terrified. I was afraid of the pain, afraid it couldn't be cured. I was afraid chemotherapy would make me bald, that I wouldn't be able to wear a ponytail or look pretty in dresses anymore.

Tell him how much I couldn't bear to lose this baby. We had left a wall in the nursery of our new house for Lego displays. He had said that if we had a daughter, he would build Legos with her and buy her lots of pretty dresses.

Then he would definitely say the cheesiest romantic things. He would say that in his heart, I would always be the most beautiful woman in the world. That we would have lots of kids in the future, and if this one was too impatient to wait, we wouldn't want it anyway.

But before I could figure out what to say, his call came through.

On the phone, he said he wanted to hold off on getting the marriage license.

I agreed almost without hesitation.

He loved me so much. How could I tie him down for the rest of his life when he had given up everything for me?

At that moment, I even hoped he didn't love me anymore. That way, he wouldn't be so sad.

Maybe right then, a passing deity looked down at the mortal world and heard my wish.

He really didn't love me as much as he used to.

I really wanted to live, too. But I didn't know if staying alive would be more painful than chemotherapy.