Chapter 4The Night Before the SATs

I didn't have a funeral. Pop-Pop said my death wasn't honorable. Guests would laugh. A lot of people in the complex were already moving out, selling their units.

Mom didn't stay at the house. She got a hotel nearby. Dad offered her my room. But my room was a converted storage closet. No windows. Just stacks of dried beans in the corner. Small and messy. I was glad Mom didn't stay there.

That night, I sat in the living room, staring at the notebook, willing it to rot. The house was silent. Around midnight, I heard a noise from the grandparents' room. Nana, holding the wall for support, walked out in the dark.

She picked up the diary from the table, went into my room, and gently closed the door. She clicked on the light. I watched her turn the pages, her wrinkled face almost pressed against the paper. "You wrote so much just to curse me. Did you hate me that much?"

I saw a tear hit the paper. She quickly dabbed it with her sleeve, trying not to ruin the ink. She wiped her eyes, but the tears wouldn't stop. She sat on the edge of the bed. The yellow light highlighted the ivy-like wrinkles on her face. Nana looked so old.

Her eyes were hollow. She whispered, "But isn't this how everyone lives?" "Harper... my mother taught me this. Boys have to be taken care of better than girls. Was I really wrong?" "You're gone now. Why are you still scolding me? Why didn't you tell me when you were alive?"

I looked at her pain and didn't know what to say. I wouldn't have said anything alive. I put everything in the book because no one in this house would listen. To them, my feelings were rebellious. Incorrect.

"Harper, be a boy next time. Just be a boy. Girls are born to suffer these things." "Boys have it good." Nana’s voice was low, repeating it over and over. The room had no windows. The air was suffocating.

Nana was bound by the chains of her generation. She never went to school. She worked in the house all day. She didn't know that the ideas everyone followed in her time were obsolete. Her educated husband never told her. Her educated son just wanted to be 'filial.' The world moved on, but Nana was held back by the old ways. Left behind. She truly believed boys were more precious than girls. Maybe Nana wished she had been born a boy, too.

I had some memories of Nana being good to me. Not many, but they existed. When I was little, we were poor. Other kids had candy; I was envious. If they dropped a piece, I’d check if anyone was looking, pretend to pick up a toy, and pocket the dirty candy. I’d wash it in the sink at home and eat it. It tasted like tap water, but it was sweet. Mason didn't have to do that. He had allowance.

One day, I was eating a washed candy while Nana picked vegetables. She asked if I found it. I smiled and said yes. "It's good." She said, "Don't pick stuff up anymore. You don't know if those people have diseases."

I didn't know if they had diseases, but I was sickly. I drank bitter herbal concoctions all the time. It was so bitter it made me want to vomit. But after that day, every time I drank the medicine, there was a piece of candy. Small, but enough to kill the bitterness. I found out later Nana brought them home from weddings or diners. She’d shove handfuls of mints into her pocket, ignoring the weird looks from other guests, just to bring them to me.