Chapter 1What We Lost

Sprawled on the carpet, trying to catch my breath, a voice, high and childish like spilled milk, suddenly echoed in my mind.

【I’ve sacrificed way too much for Mommy to look pretty. Does anyone ever consider my feelings, being held by such a slob every day?】

I shot up, my eyes darting to my son, who was lying beside me, happily sucking on his fist.

Just as I was about to dismiss it as a hallucination brought on by sheer exhaustion, the voice came again.

【What are you looking at? So annoying! If you weren't halfway decent at taking care of me, I would've had Daddy kick you out ages ago!】

* * *

I pinched my arm, hard.

The sharp sting of pain was proof: that voice was real.

As I was trying to process what those words meant, the doorbell rang. A second later, my best friend, Serena, let herself in. Seeing her loaded down with shopping bags filled with baby supplies, I couldn't help but sigh.

“I told you we have everything, Serena. Stop wasting your money!”

Serena dropped the bags and, with the ease of a frequent visitor, headed for the bathroom. “What’s wrong with spoiling my godson a little? Don’t get jealous, I got you some dessert, too!”

The distraction was enough to temporarily push the strange incident to the back of my mind. I fished a slice of Black Forest cake from one of the bags.

But as I settled onto the sofa, the voice returned.

【Mommy, come hold me! I miss your sweet smell!】

My hands froze over the dessert packaging.

I watched as Serena emerged from the bathroom and walked briskly over to my son, scooping him into her arms.

“Well, hello! Is my little Leo being a good boy today? Let your godmother get some cuddles!”

After Serena nuzzled his little cheek, Leo giggled uncontrollably.

And at the same time, I heard a contented sigh in my head.

【Mommy’s skin is so smooth! Ugh, if it wasn't so much work for her, I'd want to be with her all day long!】

I didn’t understand why I was suddenly hearing these things. But the repeated cries of “Mommy,” clearly not directed at me, sparked a storm of questions.

With this new context, I watched Serena and Leo together, and suddenly, things started to click into place in a way that made me feel sick. It seemed that every time Serena was here, Leo, who was usually a nightmare to soothe, would become an angel, all smiles and gurgles.

Was it a coincidence?

Or was my son, who couldn't even control his own bladder yet, doing it on purpose?

“You know, Serena,” I said, forcing a light, joking tone, “anyone who didn't know better would think Leo was your son. He's an absolute angel whenever you visit. If he were always this easy, I wouldn't be such a wreck.”

My eyes were locked on her, and I didn't miss the flicker of pride that flashed in her eyes before she masked it.

“Mia, don’t say that! I know raising a baby is hard, but think of all the joy and fulfillment Leo brings you, right?”

The childish voice immediately chimed in with its own commentary.

【You’re the nanny my real mommy and daddy picked out! Know your place. It’s an honor for you to take care of me!】

Serena was too busy cooing at Leo to notice my face darken as I sank into a vortex of thought.

I’d worked relentlessly through my pregnancy, and it had taken a toll. Leo was born premature and was a high-needs baby in every sense of the word. When he was uncomfortable, he had to be held constantly. The second you put him down, he’d start whimpering. A wet diaper had to be changed instantly; a moment’s delay and he’d launch into a full-blown meltdown, sometimes screaming himself into breath-holding fits that terrified me.

Leo’s condition was so demanding that in my first three months postpartum, I’d bled through three different maternity nurses. Everyone told me it was my fault, that I hadn't been careful enough during my pregnancy, causing him to suffer so much. I was drowning in guilt, and after his three-month milestone, I made a life-altering decision. I threw my career plans out the window, resigned from my job, and became a full-time mom.

Leo was eight months old now. Even with a nanny to help, I was physically and mentally drained. In less than half a year of motherhood, I felt like I’d aged a decade. I had no energy to lose the baby weight, no motivation to put on makeup or fix my hair.

Philip, my husband, saw it too. Other than perfunctory questions about Leo, he barely spoke to me anymore. I was resentful and hurt, but I was too exhausted to even start a fight.

Five months of all-consuming childcare had pushed my marriage to the brink and my body to its breaking point.

And now, I was hearing that Leo might not even be my son?

If he wasn't... then where was my baby?

What was all this suffering, all this sacrifice, for?